[ GROANS ]
[ MONKEY SCREECHES ]
Ssh! Ssh...
[ MONKEY SCREECHES ]
[ ALARM BLARES ]
[ DOGS BARK ]
[ TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT IN PORTUGUESE ]
Excuse me, sir. Can you follow me, please?
- Where is it? - Where's what? - You know what.
Sorry.
Can I put my trousers back on now?
It's not real gold, mate.
It's tin.
Now that's £59.80 cash or I'm calling the police.
All right. Keep your shirt on.
Here you are. Here's 60 quid.
Keep the change.
What? How was I supposed to know he used to be a jeweller!
No, that was very good. I think we all learned something.
Can I just...
I want him followed. He makes contact with anyone. I want to know about it. You understand me?
Well, what are you waiting for?
There comes a time in every grifter's life when you need to pause, to reflect,
to take a step back and just...
breathe.
- Sir. - Thank you.
- In Vegas. - Where else?
Somewhere you're not banned from every casino in town.
Getting past security is half the fun.
Well, I guess this is erm...
Three socks.
- Who's that? - That is Liability Finch.
Discreet as ever.
- How come's they call him Liability? - Give it time.
- You think you can manage without me? - We'll do our best. Watch your back.
- You too. Bye. - Have a good time.
- Hey! Ooh! - You all right, Finch? - It's me, Finchy. - Yeah. We know.
Get in!
- Hello, big boy. - Oh, lord.
I don't believe it.
Mickey Bricks.
Sir Mick of Brick.
The master of ceremonies, eh? I didn't know you were still working together.
- Oh, some new people, hello new people. - You couldn't keep it down, could you Finchy?
- Only you're drawing attention. - To us. - Got you Mickey, got you.
Hasn't lightened up any, has he?
[ HE LAUGHS ]
Seriously, meeting like this could not be luckier. For all of us.
- How do we know this bloke? - Me and Three Socks we go way back.
Used to work the short con together.
- Partners in crime. - Before I came to my senses.
Remember that time in Brighton we pulled the pigeon drop six times in one afternoon?
I remember, last mark that day turned out to be an off-duty policewoman.
We had some times!
- We DID some time. - We're being watched. - Yeah. Closely. Finch, we may have to cut this short.
- Why, what've I said? - Nearly everything.
- We try not to discuss business in a public place crawling with Old Bill. - Right yeah, right, yeah.
There you are. We have to move fast. I've brought associates with me, I presume you were told.
- And your car? - It's outside.
He is good!
I could watch him work all day.
So you next in line for the throne, then?
Nah. Not really.
Come on. You look it.
Seriously, grifting royalty, I've got an eye for these things.
- Why don't I give you a bell sometime we'll catch up properly, yeah? - I'd like that.
- Now's not a good time... - Not a good time. I understand.
Good luck, mate.
Nice to see you Three Socks.
I want a car. Now.
I don't know how you're going to do it but I need to be in the city in 40 minutes. Thank you.
Hey. Wait up. Hang on.
Couldn't cadge a lift into town, could I?
Go on.
One condition. No talking.
When was it we teamed up, Ash?
'83 or '85? I know it was one of them.
The flop, that's how it all started...
[ TYRES SCREECH ]
Amazing dexterity for a man of his size and build. You wouldn't think it to look at him would you, eh?
Then I would turn up as a passing doctor and diagnose the injuries...
[ HE GROANS ]
Oh dear. Oh...
[ HE GROANS ]
Severe bruising to the ribs.
You won't be able to operate your forklift truck for a while.
- What is it you do for a living? - Forklift operator.
Thought so.
I'm a passing doctor.
Mixed results on that one.
[ SHOUTING ] Come back!
[ SIRENS WAIL ]
Are we being followed?
- Please! It's a one way street. I'd see somebody about that ego, if I were you. - We are being followed.
Has he got us into something with the police?
- Grey Volvo. - We only just met him.
- Liability Finch. - That moniker Michael,
which I've never been a real fan of...
is now obsolete. My grifting days are behind me.
From now on, it is high-end burglary all the way.
Heard you'd been back inside.
Teething problems, glitches.
- Since identified. - Twice.
- And ironed out. - Finch, why are we being followed?
Don't look at me. I'm still dubious about this whole being followed premise.
I might have had a... little run in with customs at the airport.
- You know what you're doing? - Cutting our losses. So far you've only drawn attention to us.
You're blocking your ears to opportunity knocking.
- Open the boot please. - Listen let me just fill you in on the background.
You're going to love this. I was doing this job in Brazil...
- There's a bus stop a quarter of a mile that way. - "Brazil"', you ask...
- Brazil? - Yeah, Brazil.
Don't say anything. We don't want to get sucked in.
"What kind of job was it?" you ask.
- What kind of job? - Sean.
Listen? We can hear him out, can't we? Can't hurt.
- What kind of job? - Stealing a very expensive painting by Van Gogh.
Good. Always a pleasure to see you we must do this again soon.
Again, serious. Always in a rush.
I saw this. It belonged to a Brazilian rancher.
Paper said it was worth four million.
See he's got the current affairs down. You wanna watch this fella.
- That was you? - That was stupid. - How did you get involved in something like that?
High-end burglary? There is a network. Things'll be brought to my attention as a matter of course.
You overheard somebody talking in a pub.
I became cognizant that a collector in this country was in the market for a certain piece
by the Dutch master, currently in a private collection
by some bloke who likes to strip the rainforests for a living. Grandad was a Nazi.
You wouldn't have liked him, Mickey.
And?
Well, I applied for the job.
- I take it you lied on your CV. - Well, I may have presented a sort of edited version.
You left out the part about people calling you Liability.
You see the art collector in question,
being a recently-arrived immigrant, looked upon my application with a refreshing lack of prejudice.
- Because he didn't know any better. - This recently-arrived...art lover.
- Where's he from? - Russia.
- It gets worse. - He reckons the Germans stole the painting from his family during the war.
He was offering 200K.
25 up front. Came in handy with a loan shark acquaintance of mine.
What made you think you were ready to work for a Russian gangster?
I want to stop you there. I reject that, you see.
You hear the word "Russian" and you just jump to conclusions, don't you?
Well, that's biased. Shame on you, shame on the both of you. Shame!
He's an art lover, a connoisseur.
What did he say he would do if you failed him?
Cut my ear off. That might have been an art joke.
He did say he'd run me over with a haulage truck, so maybe not.
The heist, I'm just guessing, you bungled it, right?
That's where you are wrong Mickey Bricks, it went smooth.
It was bigger than I thought though.
You see it in the book, and it's tiny, isn't it?
And bringing the painting back here to the Russian?
Yeah, I mean it was... I mean it didn't go quite as well.
When did you realise the police would have your name on passenger records entering Brazil,
two days before a masterpiece goes missing?
Probably slightly too late.
It's possible that maybe I should have tried to sort out a fake passport, something like that.
Or made some effort to plan in advance, instead of jumping in way over your head.
That's why customs pulled you in?
Yeah. He was a horrible customs officer as well.
Full of himself. In a bad way!
Not Clifford Davis?
Yeah, that's him, yeah. Smarmy.
Brought down six major smuggling operations last year.
Ha, ha! Me, one step ahead of him.
- Came back empty-handed. - So where's the picture now?
It's in an airport locker.
Rio International.
I haven't quite worked out how to get it back yet so it's kind of...
stuck in Rio.
They didn't get the key, though. The customs officer. That's currently, it's currently...
in transit.
So when's your Russian gangster due to take delivery?
Monday. But hey,
I'll explain the situation and he'll see reason and we can probably just go our separate ways, can't we?
Yeah. Either that or he'll just kill you.
Yeah, there is that.
Which, is why it's so lucky I bumped into you lot.
Especially you, the legendary Mickey Bricks,
thinker of things, eh?
Yeah.
Famed getter-outter of tight spots.
Finch, we are not going to get your picture back for you.
Oh, come on, come on, Mickey.
You can think of something, smuggle it in?
We've been followed from the airport, probably by your customs supercop. We're known acquaintances.
- We're probably under surveillance. - You're blowing this out of proportion.
Now customs know you haven't got the picture, they'll be on alert.
They'll comb through luggage, running security checks on everyone entering the country from Brazil.
Yeah, that's it, though. It's a challenge! It's what you lot like.
Finch, it can't be done.
You're right I'm good to go 50/50 on the 200.
50/50.
Underneath this cool exterior, I'm just a bit...
anxious about the getting killed part is all.
Thought you might want to go that extra mile for an old friend.
You know, smuggling a painting in.
Mickey?
Ash, talk to him, will ya?
- He is a mate. - See, come on, Mickey, come on. What do you say, go on?
- No. - No?
- I am really sorry, Finch. - I could get killed here, Mickey.
- You sure? - There are too many variables.
All the planning in the world would not cover the angles...
Smuggling - it's too risky.
No. I... Listen, fair enough. You heard me out.
- Absolutely no hard feelings cos, you know me. I'll figure something out. - Course you will, mate.
Eh?
Good luck.
- Why not? - We're professionals,
we don't like prison and we don't work with anyone with "Liability" in their name.
- But he's in trouble. - We're grifters, not St Bernards.
- Finch gets people locked up. - Not on purpose.
Thing about prison, the 'on purpose' kind's not that different to the 'by accident' kind.
- It's Ash's friend. - Ash understands.
Sorry about the instant. Machine's on the blink.
Mickey's right. Finch is a nice bloke, he's just a terrible crook.
Washout as a grifter, bloody awful thief.
What do I owe you, Ed?
- You mean generally like or just for this lot? - Ha!
- £6.80 please. - So that's it?
Yeah, looks like it.
You screw up a couple of times and you're out.
Should I be watching my step?
- Here's a 20. - He's your mate.
Don't you even feel slightly bad?
[ HE CLEARS THROAT ]
I tell you what, you put another 20 next to that one.
- I bet I can get them both in my pocket without you seeing. - I don't believe this.
- It does seem a bit cold. - Sometimes cold's how you've got to be to survive.
We are NOT going to work with Finch.
Case closed.
You're going to get that money in your pocket without me seeing?
If you see me touch these before I get them in my pocket, you keep them.
Normally, I'd have said no, straight off. But erm...
this time, you're on.
You heard of a technique called diversion? Magicians use it, card sharps, people like that.
The hand is quicker than the eye stuff?
- Thereabouts. - Something about me you don't know.
- I've got exceptionally speedy eyesight. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had compliments.
Diversion, though, doesn't rely on the hand being quicker than the eye so much as the eye...
being very, very...
- ..stupid. - I beg your...
Made you look.
If this is the new maid, I want a word with front desk.
Davis. Customs and Excise.
Which one of you's gone over the duty free allowance?
I've got a proposition. It's about Finch? And his stolen painting.
Finch?
I've seen you together. You're known associates.
Every copper and customs man in the country knows he stole that Van Gogh.
All they don't know is how to pin it on him.
Let me guess. You've thought of something.
- You're going to do it for me. - That's the proposition is it?
You're right... it's more of a threat.
And how are you going to do that?
You'll think of something. That's what you do, think up new and ingenious ways to cheat people.
Says so in your profiles.
Budge up.
I need the painting and I need Finch behind bars.
It's part of the career plan.
If you don't get both for me, I'll shut you down.
The thing with us you see is, well, I mean even if you do pin something on us, it's more of an interruption.
Cos as soon as we get out, we just carry on from where we left off so... Thankless task, really.
That's if you can pin something on us.
The police... I mean the real police...
have blown careers trying.
Real police?
Too much red tape.
Me, I can do whatever pops into my head -
run surveillance, search whoever, enter premises without a warrant.
Or maybe you worked that one out for yourselves.
It's your hides or Finch's.
Not to take this seriously would be a mistake.
Well, look, thanks for thinking of us and everything.
We don't usually grass on people.
Didn't it say that in our profiles?
- This guy's good. - Maybe not the kind of person we'd want to antagonise.
Especially now we're being watching round the clock. So what do we do?
We should lie low.
Suits me.
We watch our backs. Not do anything stupid.
OK? OK?
OK.
You know I'm not comfortable with this. I'm not comfortable at all.
Don't pretend you are either.
You picking up on my deep unease?
It's a front.
It is. You think Mickey's wrong, same as me.
Only difference is, I'm not afraid to say what I'm thinking.
You want me to say what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking...
Rhythm Hive in the 3.30 at Haydock.
Ash.
I know it's a long shot, but I think the going will suit her.
This is a whole different side to you.
What, my gambling? I was afraid you'd be disappointed.
I call it callous. Finch is your friend.
So's Mickey. The sort of friend who doesn't get you locked up.
- I still feel... - What you feel, in this case, like so many, is beside the point.
We're going to do as Mickey says, OK?
OK?
- OK. - Good man.
And remember,
Rhythm Hive to win.
Thank you.
- Away, come on, come on, Cold Rice. Get in there. - Finch? - All right, Sean.
I'm just trying to recover some of the capital I owe that Russian.
- Any luck? - No not so far, but oh, things are looking up.
Get in there, son!
Come on, son, you can do it! Yes, yes, oh, he's going to do it!
- If I ever catch that fella. - None of this feels right to me...
- Professional tipster! - You've asked us for help...
Mind you, think of it, why would he be selling the Big Issue?
- We've just turned our backs on you. - Do you know, I never learn.
Here you are, backing horses trying to get the cash together that way.
- When you put it like that, it does sound crazy. - When the whole time.
You've got a key to a locker containing a priceless work of art.
Oh, yes, the happy arrival.
A key representing thousands upon thousands of pounds.
In key form.
I don't care what Mickey says. You're in trouble.
I can think of ways to help.
Eh? I love what I'm hearing.
First thing we have to do is get that sneaky Russian off your back.
That's the stuff.
We can pull a couple of short cons, get the money together that way.
You know, the first time I saw you I thought, "There is a young man with grit,
"There is a young man with a fighting spirit."
At least this way you stand a chance.
Yeah. They used to call it spunk.
Now they just call it pluck.
You're not your normal cheery self today.
I don't want to talk about it.
Sure?
Problem shared and all that.
I don't think so, Ed.
I'm a good listener.
Yeah?
Barman, comes with the job.
Go on, tell me what's on your mind. You'll feel better for it.
- You reckon? - Guarantee it.
There's this mate of mine. He turns up out of the blue looking for help.
They should have competitions. They have competitions for cocktail mixing.
But what about for listening?
- You'd have your local heats, punters that come in with minor family problems. - Right...
Make it to the nationals, you'd have to listen to people who have...
lost everything in a house fire.
Thanks, Ed. I feel better already.
See, told you. There's no extra charge for that either.
Forget about your award-winning mixologists.
Award winning listentologist, that's what I am...potentially.
- Nah, you want to go for something a bit more upmarket. - I'll have this please.
I got you. The ring drop. Yeah! Good choice!
You get it, don't you?
- Um... - What we're doing to Finch.
You get that it's the only way?
I get that that's what you think, yeah.
It is. It is the only way.
I don't get, why it matters to you that I care.
- Well... - Seeing as you're so firm in your resolve.
You couldn't possibly be having doubts, could you?
Me?
I didn't think so.
Gave them up a long time ago.
So you have had doubts then?
Yeah in the past. One or two. I found they didn't suit me.
So there's no possible way that you could be making a mistake now?
- Seems unlikely. - With your track record? - I didn't like to say.
So the only other possibility is that you want me to go along with you
to ease some sense of guilt you might be feeling.
We are doing the right thing.
- Of course we are. - The only thing we can do.
- Yeah, you said that. - And I asked you just then because I wanted to make sure you were on board, that's all.
Like a head count then.
- If you like. - With who's on board with what we're doing to Finch,
- which you have no doubts about at all. - Yeah.
- Well, I'm fine with it. - Good.
As long as you are.
Oh, he looks horrible. Perfect.
- Only thing is, I'm going to have to look like someone with no dress sense whatsoever. - Yeah.
I'm not saying anything right but I did hear the implication.
- Just make the call in exactly 15 minutes, all right? - I've got it.
- And when you do call, make sure you're well out of sight. - I will do.
Did you say 50 or 15. 50.
Nnnn, 15.
No. No. No. No. No...
Is there something I can help you with, sir?
None of these are very shiny. I like a suit with a bit of shine to it.
We don't have an extensive range in shiny, so no.
When I'm laying out this much on a suit, I like to leave my onlookers dazed.
Six items, yeah?
Specially at a wedding.
It's more of a renewal of vows. My dad thought it'd be nice for my mum. Seeing as he's been away.
For a bit of a longish stretch.
Oh, what's this?
Look what I found in your changing room.
- Imagine if that was real platinum. - I doubt it, sir.
Well, imagine if it was.
- Very well. - How much do you reckon that would be worth?
[ MOBILE PHONE RINGS ]
- I have no idea. - Take a guess.
Excuse me, sir.
[ MOBILE PHONE RINGS ]
Hello.
'Hello, I'm looking for a necklace that I may have dropped, in your shop.'
'I can't think of where else it would be. It's an anniversary present.'
Perhaps you can describe the piece?
'Diamonds. Lots of them.
'Oh, God, £40,000 worth.'
- Really? - 'I got a bit carried away at the jewellers, you see.
'Spent a little bit more than I should have.
'There'll be a reward, obviously. £5,000 to whoever finds it.
'Look, you'd be doing me a real favour here, mate.
'Anything you can do, just have a look. I have to find it.
'Yeah?'
It appears we DO have something fitting that description, sir, yes.
'Oh... Yes, yes!
- 'I'll be right round, OK. About half an hour?' - Certainly, sir.
- See you in half an hour. - 'OK, bye.'
Bye.
Yeah, perhaps I better look after that for you.
Who was that?
- No-one. - Not someone?
- No. - Not someone who's lost a necklace?
Finder's fee didn't come up in the conversation, did it? Reward?
How much did he say?
Nice thing like that. A grand?
Am I right?
- Ballpark? - Ballpark, yes, sir.
Well, normally I'd stick around, get the lot for myself. But I'm not going to go head-to-head with you.
To be totally honest, I've got a bit of a probation situation going on.
And I promised my mum I wouldn't get into trouble between now and the ceremony. I'll do you a favour.
You give me a monkey and we'll call it quits.
£500?
'Scuse.
'Scu...
Afternoon, Michael.
- "French trawlers blockade ports." - Further down.
Oh...
"Masterpiece still missing".
The case is beginning to get publicity.
Puts the spotlight on me.
Well, at least they spelt your name right.
I'm here to give you a chance to reconsider your earlier answer.
I know you two can do the time without blinking.
Maybe even the girl. How do you imagine he's going to hold up?
- Sean! - You bleeding idiot. - What are you... - Sorry, fellas.
- I thought we said to lie low. - I was lying low.
Not low enough, you muppet.
Picked him up running short cons. Not bad, either...
for an amateur.
We told you he'd be watching.
Now, at the risk of repeating myself...
I want to know where the painting is and I want you to finger Finch for the robbery.
No-one say anything. I'll do the time. It don't bother me.
Jail's a home from home for someone like Finch.
But your little protege, here, I'd worry about.
Obtaining money through deceit...
He could get five years for that.
I think he'd come out a changed man.
What do you think?
- It's in a locker. - What's he doing?
- There's a key. - I told you, I'll do the time.
You keep your mouth shut!
The key gets you the painting and it ties Finch to the robbery.
Did try to tell you we'd end up doing things my way.
Something about me not being a proper copper.
So, the painting, the key...
and, while you're at it, I want you to take Finch for everything he's got.
A punishment for not doing things my way from the start.
You're not listening to this, are you? We don't work with police, that's a rule.
Just now, I reckon the rule's 'Do as you're told, son.'
You've given us no choice.
We'll clean Finch out and you'll get the painting but it's not going to be easy.
We've already told Finch the painting can't be smuggled in.
To make him think it can, we'll have to do more than spin him a yarn.
Because Finch has got to believe everything we tell him is true it'll have to be big-store stuff,
- we'll need to rent an office. - Get the address to me in advance.
And we need more time. A few days.
You've got one.
We're going to break Finch's heart.
I don't like it any more than you do.
Let's get on with it.
Glad you could make it.
- You know we said we couldn't help you? - Etched in my memory.
We thought of something.
Why don't we fill you in?
A few of days ago, Ash... Would you mind? Ash went shopping.
And he bought some jars of instant coffee.
And I steamed the labels off.
And I stuck them on another jar, almost the same. Only this one had details a special offer on it.
"Win the Brazilian holiday of a lifetime. See back for details."
"You could be one of five lucky winners of an all-expenses-paid trip to Brazil, home of great coffee."
But, how do you win?
With a golden ticket. I take the ticket, I put it in the jar of coffee.
On the ticket is a phone number that the lucky winner has to call to claim their prize.
Then we sealed the jars back up...
And then I put the jar back ready for the lucky customer.
Then we go to an office we've hired specifically for the purpose.
And wait for the phone to ring.
[ PHONE RINGING ]
Hello, Inca Velvet Promotions, Graham Griffin speaking, how can I help?
- Say hello. - I am. Hello. We found a ticket. - What's he say?
I can't hear with you in my ear.
- They fell for the scam. - Hook.
- Line. - And sinker.
- Congratulations. - Oh, well done.
- Well done. - You must be very pleased. - Smile if you please. Lovely, thank you very much.
They accepted our congratulations, had their photos taken
and I informed them they must take their trip this month.
Then I booked them on a package tour to Brazil.
- Guess what. - What? - Still on hold.
They leave tomorrow.
Oh, after you.
Before they get on their return flight, our contact in Brazil will meet them with their souvenirs.
Tall ones.
One of these souvenirs will contain...
The painting.
[ THEY ALL CHEER ]
Worst case scenario, they get stopped at customs.
'The number you have dialled cannot be recognised. Please hang up and try again.'
- The number cannot be traced. - We'll have cleared out the office.
But this is, of course, highly unlikely to happen.
This is an old couple travelling on a package tour, not the type of people to provoke suspicion.
The best part is, they're innocent.
No smuggler will arouse less suspicion than one who doesn't know he is a smuggler.
We'll greet them at arrivals.
[ CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
They'll be brought back to the office for more photographs.
Welcome to the Inca Velvet Coffee Company.
Might even throw in a year's supply of coffee.
Now here is where the switch takes place.
Our couple get identical souvenirs.
We get the one with the painting inside.
Everybody's happy.
You make a call to your art-loving friend.
We split the 200k.
We are very happy.
I'm going to tell you an overused word...
legendary genius.
I love it! Ha-ha!
I completely love it.
[ HE LAUGHS ]
Hats off, Mickey.
Forget Van Gogh, this man, this man right here, this is the artist.
I knew you could do it, Mickey, I knew you would.
- OK. - Hey!
To be in his presence of this man day after day, what must that be like!
Finch, calm down.
You know what I'm going to ask, don't you? You know what that question's going to be?
How can I be part of this? How can I help?
- Everything's taken care of. - Except the money.
It's not a cheap con.
I understood that. Hotels, flights...
- Normally, it's not a problem but we had to post bail for someone at the last minute. - Come on...
Cheer up, I still think he's got a dazzling future.
Cash-flow this end...
Give me a day, I'll see what I can come up with, how's that?
'Day after day, what must that be like.'
'Finch, calm down.'
Good.
See how simple things get once you start obeying orders?
- 'Everything's taken care of. - Except the money. - It's not a cheap scam.'
You did know I'd be filming it, didn't you?
It crossed our minds.
That just leaves the key. You tell me where it is at Finch's and I'll nail him.
And the money. I should've said...
Once you've cleaned him out, you bring the cash straight to me. You don't turn a profit on this one.
- You do. - Call it a... performance-related bonus.
- Let's just go over our options. - We haven't got any.
- Davis is calling the shots. - Hang on. When you said we weren't helping Finch, that was one thing.
It didn't sit particularly well with me, but I got it...
- It's really harsh. Can we just tell him? Give him a chance? - To do what?
Get us imprisoned? That's where Finch has been heading since he got off the plane.
Davis is watching to make sure we do exactly as he says.
That's what we're going to do. To the letter.
- All right, Finchy, mate? - Ash. Mickey.
We've come for the money.
- Do you want to... - Yeah, yeah.
Should be five grand odd, there.
Been a tough year.
Still, it's cold hard cash, innit?
You should take this, as well.
Sell it. You'll probably get more for it than I would.
Right, well, that's me, I'm afraid, boys.
Yeah, well, that should do it.
- What? - The key, Finch. - The key. Yeah.
The thing is, I...
- I must have put it down somewhere... - Finch, you haven't? - Finch.
- No, no, no. It's in here. - We need to get it to Brazil.
Finch.
Ho-ho! See? I said not to panic.
So, what made you change your mind?
Took Ash a few days to talk me round.
Yeah, he's not as hard as he likes to make out.
Ash... I just want to tell you something.
- You don't have to say anything. - I want to. You've been a good friend to me. - It's nothing.
It is, too. I won't forget this.
I know what I'm like. Liability, yeah?
Anti-Midas touch and all that.
I put you out... and I'm sorry for that.
All right, listen to me, Finch.
It's business.
Nothing else.
Just you remember that.
Whatever you say, Ash.
Just keep me in the loop, won't you? Cos I want to be involved.
Er, Finch... you're not going to be involved.
- No, but, I want to be involved. - You're not going to be.
- I feel like I'm involved. - Well, you're not...
We'll keep you posted, Finch.
Promise.
How'd it go?
We've done everything we've been asked to do.
You can come and get your money.
'And the key is under Finch's table.'
I'm not enjoying this, not one bit.
We said we'd keep him in the loop.
- You'd think after a lifetime lying to people for a living... - I know.
If there was any other way...
[ MESSAGE ALERT TONE ]
Going somewhere nice?
We thought we'd take a holiday.
Here.
Probably best.
When it gets out you ripped off a friend, there's no knowing what people might say.
Mm.
I recommend somewhere sunny...
and out of my jurisdiction.
We met at the airport.
Invite me in.
Sorry, I'm watching Murder She Wrote.
Heard from your friend, Ash Morgan, yet?
I refuse to answer questions until my brief gets here.
5,000 plus a watch, to finance a smuggling operation.
Ringing any bells?
- I don't understand. - No, well...
- Is that my watch? - Ash and his friends conned you.
- No, they didn't. - Yeah, they did.
That's what they do. They took your money and they gave it to me. Because I instructed them to.
They're not like that, they wouldn't cross a friend.
I gave them a choice between their hides and yours.
They chose yours.
No, they might've let you think like that, cos that's the way they operate, you see.
They make you think they're doing one thing, but they're doing the exact opposite.
I wonder what this opens?
Tell me, what's more gutting? Them taking your money for a job they were never going to do
or them deliberately leaving behind the one piece of evidence that connects you to the Van Gogh?
And then telling me where to find it?
- They conned me? - And they set you up.
They're business people.
Business comes first.
Get down there.
I don't understand. All right, all right, all right.
If it was a con, why go to all that trouble? The coffee jars, the old couple?
Oh, my God, you're slow.
They made it up.
- None of that ever happened. - It did happen!
The office was a front. The rest was a story.
- There was no old couple. - There was.
- They never existed. - They did exist!
Wrong!
You idiot.
All right, all right, what about the message?
- What message? - The picture message.
The one Ash sent me.
What? The con's real?!
Yeah. Like I just told you.
When did you get this?
Just now. That's the old couple on their way to Brazil.
Why would they go to all that trouble?
"French trawlers blockade ports." That's not today...
This picture was taken days ago.
- When did you give Morgan the key to the locker? - Yesterday. - You're sure? - Yeah...
I remember cos I was bricking it cos I didn't know where it was when Ash and Mickey came round...
..it turned up again.
Did...
Did they take my Van Gogh?
They're already smuggling it. That's why they've gone to the airport.
- They're not running away, they've gone to pick up the painting. - Hang on.
The pictures not in the locker any more, is it? So, technically, you've got nothing to hold me on, have you?
[ ENGINE STARTS ]
Hang on, you've got my phone...
you've got...
[ HE SIGHS ]
Give me a list of arrivals from Rio today.
One flight? Yes! What time does it land?
Chief Inspector, it's Davis.
That missing Van Gogh, I thought you might like to be there for the seizure.
You coming or what?
You!
You betrayer, you non-friend!
Just get in. We'll explain on the way, all right?
Friends do not steal other friends' stolen paintings.
How many times are we going to have to go over this?
- We didn't steal your painting. - We helped you.
- We've been helping you from the start. - Nah, cos at the start you said you weren't going to help.
We are not going to work with Finch. Case closed.
We are, however, going to help him.
- We are? - Course we are, he's a mate.
If you were going to help, why didn't tell me?
- Well... - It's a bit delicate. - You're crap. - I'm what?
- What Mickey had planned, you weren't up to. - Ha!
What did he have planned?
Have you ever heard of a technique called diversion?
Davis knew we were the way to reach you and the painting.
- And we knew we were being watched. - So if we could put him on the wrong track...
It was the ultimate diversion.
I want you to find Finch.
Bookies' probably your best bet by now.
And get the key to that locker.
A key representing thousands upon thousands of pounds. In key form.
I can think of ways to help.
Did you say 50 or 15? Fifteee-nnnn. 15.
'And get yourself arrested.'
Eh?
Pull a few short cons. Something nice and conspicuous.
We need to give Davis leverage. Make him think he's got us in a corner.
Sorry, fellas.
Mickey came up with the coffee scam, told it to Davis as the con we were going to run on you.
- The perfect cover. - You could've told me.
- Yeah, I said that. - You're not bearing in mind the you-being-crap part.
If you were to look broken-hearted, we had to break your heart.
- You did break my heart. - Sorry about that. It's only temporary.
- I suppose. Still, that being the situation... - What?
- Bearing in mind that I've only just found out that is the situation. - What have you done?
You know that photo message?
Tell me you deleted it.
- You didn't leave a piece of evidence like that on your phone? - Did Davis see the picture?
Kind of. On balance, yes.
Finch this is very, very important. Did he work out when the picture was taken?
How annoyed would you be if the answer to that question was "most definitely"?
- 'Flight BA238 from Rio has been delayed.' - Typical.
Shouldn't you lot be in departures?
Thought you were going on holiday.
- We're here to meet a friend. - I bet you are.
It really was a nice plan, Stone.
- Guys, I can't tell you how sorry I am. - Shut up.
But sending that photo to Finch?
- If I'd known how important that picture was... - Stop talking.
Unnecessary.
And, as it turned out, fatally stupid.
Whose idea was that?
[ HE TUTS ]
You know your problem, Stone? You're surrounded by mediocrity.
Ah, this looks like us.
- Here's our bag. I'll get it. - No, I'll get it.
- Let me get it. - How kind.
This your bag, Madam?
What's going on?
I wonder if you recognise this gentleman.
If this is the way you treat your competition winners, Mr Griffin, I'm going to be lodging a complaint.
Now let's find this Van Gogh.
They're our souvenirs!
"Made you look."
Ah, this is... a bit awkward.
We should probably go...
Get them out of here.
Now!
- Can someone tell me what just... - Just keep walking towards the exit.
Look... It's Albert Stroller. Ow!
Keep walking.
It's a coincidence isn't, eh? Is that not a coincidence?
- Well, good afternoon. - Good holiday?
Delightful. Particularly the last-minute stopover.
It's a wonderful country, Brazil.
You know, the people and the culture.
- Nice flight? - No complaints, no.
- Customs? - Well, they were otherwise occupied.
Diverted, you might say.
What's this doing here? Chief Inspector...
Something else is going on. They're still trying to get the painting in, I know it.
It's somewhere else...
I think perhaps you'd better come and explain this.
- 'It crossed our minds.' - 'That just leaves the key.
'and the money. I should've said...'
Once you've cleaned him out, you bring the cash straight to me.
- You don't turn a profit on this one. - You do.
'Call it a... performance-related bonus.'
- Can we at least tell him? You know, give him a chance? - To do what? Get us all locked up?
Cheers.
Excuse me, Mr Stroller.
Obrigado.
The Russian's on his way over.
Great, very good.
And Finch, remember, 50/50 split, as agreed.
And when he gets here, keep your mouth shut. You'll only balls it up.
I have got feelings, you know, Ash.
So listen, they're definitely not ripping me off?
- Definitely not, no. - From now on, everything is for real.
We had to keep you in the dark about the photo message so Davis'd think you'd screwed up showing it to him.
I didn't screw up? No, I mean, I didn't screw up.
No, we wanted him to see the picture.
- Yeah, send him after the souvenirs. - You had to think you'd screwed up.
- To be convincing. - Because you're... - You're crap.
It all ties up, if you think it through...
Except, what about the old couple?
The police can't pin anything on them.
They've been hauled into customs, seen their souvenirs chopped up. Won't they be traumatised?
Hey, Mickey. That's us, traumatised.
- Somebody get me an expensive drink. - Frieda, Larry.
If it's trauma you're after, you should see this one strutting down the Copacabana in a thong.
They're very liberating.
They're for girls.
Frieda. How would you and Larry like an all-expenses-paid trip to Brazil?
Albert.
How would you feel about a last minute stopover?
Rio.
This is yours, by the way.
- Oh, thanks. - Minus expenses.
Still the finest dipper of his generation.
Second finest.
Ah, thank you. Ah, smashing.
Just, er... run that last bit by me again.
You didn't think this whole thing through from the start, did you?
- No. - No.
Just checking.
Because if you had thought the whole thing through...
The fake smuggle to divert from the real smuggle, letting Finch know we'd conned him, on the spot...
You ever heard of a technique called diversion?
..then that would be weird.
You know that, don't you?
Yeah, of course.
- Took me ages. - Mm-hm.
You know, I look back at everything that's happened, these last few days
and one thing occurs to me...
Where's my winnings?
40 on Rhythm Hive at 20/1, let's have it.
Actually, can you start from the top?
We lied to you for your own good.
- Yeah, but... - And you got 100 grand.
Oh, a lot of money, that, isn't it? For a picture.
I mean, look, don't get me wrong, right...
It's nice and all that.
I mean, you know, you've got your blues in it...
sunflowers there.
Eh, remember him? Very good.
Still...hundred grand?
Always knew I was cut out for the big time.
You know, I hate to lie to you, Finch, but I don't think you're going to make it.
As a grifter, you're not very good.
I had my ups and downs.
I might be better as a thief than a con man.
You weren't very good at that either, though, were you?
Well, I was pretty good... No?
- No... - No, you're rubbish.
And I say that as a friend.
Maybe it's just time to think about retirement. Quit while you're ahead.
You know, you're absolutely spot on.
Who needs the aggravation?
Grifting, burglary...
- I was never really cut out for any of it, was I? - Finally.
But art forgery...
Eh...?
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